


The First Robin in Spring

by Gotta_stalk_em_all



Series: How to Live When You Are Dead [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Death, M/M, Non Canon events, Sucidial Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7392478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gotta_stalk_em_all/pseuds/Gotta_stalk_em_all
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I never loved you and if the love you claim to have for me is real, do me a favor and pretend I never existed."</p><p> </p><p>There is a clock ticking in Oikawa's heart and blood rushing down his nose.</p><p>There's a dozen red roses in Iwaizumi's car and seedless dandelions that littered his dashboard. </p><p>Oikawa exists and love can't so easily be forgotten, unless it's buried in a grave with a body beside it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Robin in Spring

**Author's Note:**

> This Story was so many firsts for me and I'm so glad to have finished it . It was so much fun to write. Even though it was difficult at times and my brain now hurts .
> 
> I'm giving a special shout out to my best friend for reading over this and assuring me that it wasn't crap . I love you Corinne!

You can make a wish when you see the first robin of spring-but you must hurry before it points its tail towards you and flies off, because then the wish turns into one year of bad luck. 

Oikawa must have wished a minute too late, Iwaizumi couldn't help to think. He tried to train his thoughts on the road ahead of him, but it was more challenging then he had originally apprehended. There was no rain or storms filling the sky and Iwaizumi felt cheated. He was nowhere near as fond of dramatics as Oikawa was, but the sun was much too bright and the world was moving far too normally. It didn't slow down and to most, the day didn't mean much. No, most people didn't have roses tossed in the back seat and dandelion seeds scattered in their car-shittykawa's contribution when he spotted some growing in the park and smuggled them in when he was in the restroom. He didn't even bother to get home, before blowing furiously on them, without a doubt wishing something repeatedly. Iwaizumi was of course, beyond pissed when he found out that the dandelion seeds weren't coming out and after a good fight with a vacuum, he decided to leave them and they became a permanent residence in his already crappy vehicle. They were a good reminder of Oikawa: hard to get rid of and annoying, but beautiful.

Oikawa had always been obsessed with superstitions and myths that were supposed to grant people wishes. Every spare coin he collected was placed in a sock until it was filled. The sock full of change would soon be tied in a knot and pushed into a deep pocket and it wouldn't be long before he dragged Iwaizumi along. Ushering him to the nearest wishing well, where they would stay all afternoon. Oikawa wishing on each coin and throwing them every which way. Over his shoulder, with his eyes closed, and sometimes he even tried throwing them through his legs. Every toss wasn't a winner and every throw that fell short or too far was deemed "broken and not worthy to have been wished on, so Iwa-Chan might as well have them." That of course earned him a kick, but Iwaizumi took each coin given to him. Collecting them and putting them in his pockets so he can place them in Oikawa's money sock again when he wasn't looking.

Oikawa was always making wishes but they were always kept a secret. "ah ah ah, Iwa-Chan! If I tell you my wish, it won’t come true." Not the Iwaizumi ever asked but he did admit that he was curious about what wish could be so important that Oikawa would obsess over it for so long.

This hobby of Oikawa's had always been a bit of a nuisance. After all, it had been him who had to put bandages over Oikawa's paper cuts that covered his hands after he had tried to create a thousand paper cranes and it had been him who listened to his wails and complaints of not being able to play volleyball because of the cuts that now took residence on his fingers and palms.

Right now, Hajime would take listening to Oikawa's practiced dramatics for another week if it meant that the world had a different outcome in his life. 

If it meant that Oikawa hadn't shown up at his door with a gaze that refused to meet his. On that day, it had been raining and he had pulled Oikawa inside hastily, so he could quickly thrust upon him a change of clothes. A pair of sweats that were too short upon his long legs and ended mid-calf instead of at his ankles and a sweat shirt that was lose on his shoulders and rode up slightly. It wasn't till Oikawa was perched in a chair with blankets and pillows strewn on his being in a uncustomary manner, that Iwaizumi began his tirade.

"Dumb ass! Are you trying to get yourself sick? You're on the verge of making it to nationals and you think now is the time to take a leisure stroll in the rain. Honestly, Assikawa, do you ever take care of yourself? You kn-"

"Hajime..." Oikawa muttered. His voice trailing before he added more and his gaze never left where he stared harshly at the floor. His shoulders were set back and he was sitting on the edge of the chair and breathing deeply, Seemingly preparing himself for a storm that had yet to come.

Iwaizumi stopped and took a sharp intake of breath. This was the first time since they started dating after high school that Iwaizumi heard his first name come from Oikawa. It had always been 'Iwa-Chan' and now Iwaizumi felt his blood run cold. His first name had been whispered so quietly, as if to savor it before locking it up, so it wouldn't be used again.

"Oi, you can't just say my name like that and not say anything else shittykawa! Explain," he demanded. He stood in front of Oikawa, trying not to worry when Oikawa didn't react immediately. 

"I just wanted to say it once before..." he trailed off again. This time his voice almost completely unheard and forgotten because Oikawa was soon standing. He stood so abruptly that he was in danger of bumping Iwaizumi, who had luckily stepped back just in the right moment.

This time his gaze met Hajime's firmly and a small smile grazed his lips, it wasn't hard to pinpoint it as a fake. 

"Iwa-Chan, I don't love you."

Hajime felt his heart plummet and his mind locked in on Oikawa's mouth. Trying to quickly makes sense of the words, but before he could even began to comprehend what had just been said, Oikawa just kept going.

"I never loved you and if the love you claim to have for me is real, do me a favor and pretend I never existed," Oikawa finished. He looked deflated and made a move for the door.

Iwaizumi grabbed his upper arm to keep him in place and just stared. He stared at this boy with a beautiful porcelain face, with a button nose, and doe like brown eyes. The boy who had girls thrown at his feet since the day he came of age and learned how to flash an insincere smile. Oikawa, a boy who's on the verge of ascending to nationals. Oikawa Tooru, who has always been living in a world that's impossible for hajime to follow. 

Without saying a word, Iwaizumi let him go and watched as he made his exit. He didn't bother to collect his wet clothes or promise to return the ones he borrowed. He only opened the door and disappeared into the dwindling storm.

Iwaizumi had always figured that it would only be a matter of time before Oikawa figured out that him and Iwaizumi where in a different universe and left him behind. He just didn't think that Oikawa would dismiss any love towards him after the years they've know each other. 

***

When Iwaizumi first met Oikawa, the boy had been trying to save a butterfly. 

His nose was snotty and dribbled down to his mouth, and thick tears were pouring down his cheeks in clumps. The tears stained his cheeks and face red, as they made their way down like tracks as they dripped on his clothing and made their way to the ground. His hand sometimes appearing to wipe haphazardly at his eyes. All the while, broken sobs would escape his lip and allow snot to seep into his mouth as he moved a bit too frantically.

When the boy noticed him he came over and gestured in a way that failed to allow anyone to gain comprehension of what was going on.

"I-I step-p-ed...o-on -it," He eventually gasped out. 

Iwaizumi had simply cocked his head in confusion. "What the hell are you crying about?"

The boy seemed to have gave up on words and grasped Iwaizumi's hand with his, which was wet and sticky from tears and snot. Iwaizumi tried not to hurt him, afraid that there might be something mentally off about the child and instead allowed himself to be pulled along a few feet before he was standing in front of a butterfly.

The boy seemed to have gained some composure and stated," I stepped on it and no- now it's not mo-moving ." 

Iwaizumi had to stop and assess the child to look for any definite signs of brain damage. All that for a butterfly? With a sigh, Iwaizumi gave up and took a closer look at the butterfly on the ground. He couldn't identify what breed it was by any means but it was beautiful. It was brightly colored and had a unique pattern. Very gently he brought the still creature into his right hand and brought it closer to his face for inspection. Iwaizumi was no doctor, he was simply a mere boy, but even so he could see no injury. So, he began to blow gently. Watching in amazement as the wings started to flutter, they began to gain speed before descending from his hand and landing on a flower. Gathering its strength before leaving its perch on the flower and drifting off deeper into the nearby woods.

"How pretty," the boy besides him gasps. Finally bring attention back to him and the fact that he still had Iwaizumi's left hand confiscated in his grasp.

Iwaizumi jerked his hand away before turning to face the boy. The once sniveling child tears were forgotten, as the snot and tears had dried. A bright smile grazed his lips and the big brown eyes seemed to bore into him. 

"That was amazing! I'm Oikawa Tooru by the way," he beamed. There were no stutters in his voice this time and he stuck his hand out again, but this time expecting a handshake.

"Iwaizumi Hajime," he mutters. Trying not to blush at the attention the boy is giving him. He found himself not minding the stickiness of the boy's hand nearly as much as the first time.

"Iwa-Chan the butterfly whisperer," he declared before bursting into laughter.

"Oi, Dumb ass, don't call me that!" Iwaizumi quickly retaliates by jerking his hand free, once again, and delivering a rough smack to the back of his head. 

"How mean, and to think that I almost considered you my knight in shining armor," He moaned. Rubbing the back off his head.

"As if you'd ever be considered a princess, Assikawa." 

Oikawa huffed," Whatever. Come on Iwa-Chan we have more butterflies to save," he states. Before running a few feet ahead. Only stopping when he realized that Iwaizumi wasn't following him. He looks back questioningly and gestures for Hajime to hurry up.

Iwaizumi quickly begins to trail after him. In sync with the speed of his sprints as they march across the forest. Thus, a pattern that follows them throughout their years. Always together, running at the same speed, yet Iwaizumi is always just a few steps behind.

***

When Oikawa ran way, like he always did. He found himself behind a brick wall of some abandon building. His back plastered to the wall as his head tipped back and his clothes were soaked again. Only this time, they belonged to Iwaizumi and that reminder sent a renewed sense of pain racking through his body again. He buried his face in the sleeves of the sweatshirt and tried to find the familiar scent of his Iwa-Chan, before it was all completely washed away by the rain.

He had always been an ugly crier, and this time was no exception. Sobs were heaving out of him and the tears streamed down heavily. He went to wipe away snot strikingly down only to pull his hand back and see blood intermingled with it. A new sense of sorrow rippled through him as he tried to hold back screams crawling out of his throat. 

The blood was something far more severe than a nose bleed. It was evidence of him having something wrong with him internally. It pooled out and he knew it wouldn't be long that he'd need to dial for the hospital, they've warned as much about the signs of his illness and when the right time to contact them was. 

He decided to put it off a little longer and titled his head back so he could watch what was left of the rain. He lifted his hand towards the sky and watched the blood on his hand get cleansed and disperse into the water on the ground. 

He wanted more than anything to go back to Iwaizumi. To get down on his knees and beg to be taken back, and tell him over and over again that he hadn't meant it. That he wanted to be with him more than anything. That he loved him, since the moment he learned what love was; but he didn't. He couldn't. There was no way he could put the person he loved more than anything through what he was going through.

The fact of the matter was, he's dying. He has been for a long time and it won't be long before he ends up as a permanent member of the local hospital. He doesn't want Iwaizumi to go through the pain he was, so he had no choice but to say goodbye. He hoped that he would listen to him. That Iwaizumi would just forget ever meeting that scrawny child in the woods all those years ago. It'd be so much easier if he could just disappear and prevent Iwaizumi from suffering at all. He took so much from him already, the last thing he wanted to do was to have Iwaizumi look back on Oikawa and all their years, only to remember Oikawa lying in a hospital bed or the day that they finally got around to lowering his body in the ground.

Sometimes goodbyes should just come a little earlier before the real pain comes, that's why he had to let him go.

Finally, Oikawa pushed himself off the ground and fished out some change from the bottom of his shoe and went in search of a payphone, then dialed the hospital's number and waited for the familiar sound of a siren.

His face wet from tears, rain and smeared blood.

***

It's almost a month later and Iwaizumi hasn't been outside much. He runs to and from his classes quickly before returning to his apartment. He is always quick to pour himself a drink soon after his arrival and try to do as Oikawa asked of him.

He tries so hard to do what he asked, to just forget him. Yet, even with the assistance of alcohol he can't forget the brash and otherworldly Oikawa. 

He couldn’t just move on and pretend like nothing happened. 

He couldn't pretend that they hadn't been planning to move in together after college. That they hadn't spent hours talking about their future together and shared chaste kisses, both drunk off a lack of sleep as the night threatened to slip away into morning. He couldn't forget about the ring hidden away in a velvet box, waiting for the right time that now may never come.

You just don't wake up someday and stop loving somebody. The thoughts nipped away at his mind, the alcohol only making the pain stronger. Hajime was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost missed the ringing of his phone.

Iwaizumi debates on answering or not, but decides the phone ringing is probably a bigger nuisance then whoever is calling him on the phone. He click answer and brings the phone to his ear.

"Hello," He asks gruffly.

"Iwaizumi, it's me. We need to talk."

"Matsukawa?"

"Yes, please listen."

***

Iwaizumi really hoped that by some miracle all of Oikawa's wishes would just come true. That all those wishing well coins and paper cranes added up to something valuable and the world wouldn't be so sunny while his heart felt so stormy, as he stood outside the hospital door. 

Roses were clutched in his hands and the thorns pricked his hand. The pain slowly brought him back to attention and he stepped through automatic doors. Navigating his way to the front desk of a hospital wing.

The woman at the desk had dark hair and bright eyes. She was very pretty and he couldn't help but to wonder offhandedly if Oikawa had flirted with her, as in his nature. He shook that though away and instead moved his hand to tap the desk to take her attention away from a computer screen.

She looked up with a big smile already in place and if she had felt any annoyance at being disturbed, she hid it well. "How can I help you?"

"I'm here to see Oikawa Tooru," he musters out dutifully. 

Her eyes suddenly seemed a little less bright and her smile drooped down. Iwaizumi's shoulders stiffened.

"I'm sorry but Oikawa has been taken off life support recently, he's still breathing but he won't be able to respond. His family are currently waiting for his...um..," her voice trails off into discomfort. Not wanting to continue.

Iwaizumi felt his body go slack. He had been too late. He had always been a few steps behind Oikawa but he didn't think that small gap would ever make his heart break like this. He could already feel the tears prickling as they stung his eyes and his teeth grit harshly together. 

But Oikawa wasn't dead yet and he hadn't said goodbye. 

"Please, I just need to see him," he choked out. Trying to hold himself together. He could see the nurse trying to resolve herself before nodding. 

"follow me."

She led him through several halls before coming to the room. He had waited till she disappeared around the corner before opening the door and stepping in the room filled with white walls and sterile smells.

He was immediately tackled into a rough hug by Oikawa's mother. She didn't say anything for a moment, just hugging him close in silent comfort. He hugged her back just as ferociously, thankful for her presence. She had been as much as a mother to him as his own.

When she let go, she pulled out a letter out of her coat and held it out for him. "He left this for you. I think he wanted to say goodbye, but he just didn't want you to hurt. My baby loved you so much but i guess that didn't stop him from being an idiot sometimes," she rasped out. Her voice hoarse and she tried to force out a laugh but it didn't sound right.

Iwaizumi took the letter wordlessly. The flowers had already fallen to the floor and he couldn't bring himself to look over at Oikawa on the hospital bed just yet. Still choking back tear,s he can't stop himself from asking, "why?"

He had only said one word but she nodded her head in understanding. "He had requested that they pull the plug as soon as he couldn't live by himself. He didn't want us to waste money on him when he thought it was clear he wouldn't make it. I wanted to refuse of course, but I couldn't. After all those years making wishes, I had to grant him this one. " She took a minute to let out a sob before taking some time to run a hand through her uncombed hair that looked so much like Oikawa's and flashed him a sad smile. "Well I'm sure you don't want to waste any more time listening to the ramblings of an old woman. I'll let you have some time alone with him," and with one last hug she disappeared out of the room.

When he hears the click of the door after her, he turns to face him. He picked up the flowers, however, the roses are already falling out of his clammy hands again and he races to stand by his bedside. 

Oikawa's skin had always been pale but the hospital lights seemed to drain him completely devoid of all color. His hair a complete mop of messy brown curls and his eyes were closed firmly shut. Half his body was tucked away under hospital sheets and his right arm was connected to the I.V. Iwaizumi reached for his free hand and held it firmly to his chest. Only now did he let the tears fall as he tried to hold the dying boy as close to him as possible. Taking a moment to feel the boys remaining warmth before remembering the letter. 

He pulled it out and threw one last look at Oikawa before opening it.

Dear Iwa-Chan, 

I've always loved you and even though it's selfish of me I hope you don't forget me.

That night when I left, I hadn't meant a word I said. I guess I never learnt how love worked because I had hoped if I disappeared it would mean you wouldn't have to suffer with me. 

I'm sorry, that was stupid, even for me. I'm not mad that you let me go, by the way. That night you took my arm and you looked like you were debating whether you should stop me. I'm not mad that you didn't, I probably would have just hurt you worse if you held on any longer.

I don't think I've told you this but I didn't start making wishes until I met you. All those times I made wishes I was wishing the same thing repeatedly. I kept it a secret because I wanted it to come true so bad. Yet, I think I ran out of time for it to happen, so what's the harm now ?

Iwaizumi Hajime, I wished that I could be with you forever. 

Kind of stupid huh, Iwa-Chan? I have, well ... had, always been leaning on you since the day we met. You were my big, strong knight in shining honor and I was your prince. 

I always waited for the day you'd give up on me. The day where you couldn't put up with me anymore and you'd be the one to leave. 

But you didn't. You never left me and for that I can only love you more. Now if I had one last wish it'd be for a proper goodbye. Proper or not, I'll wish you goodbye right now. I Love you Iwa-Chan and although it might hurt, I hope you don't forget me. I hope you remember me beyond this dying state of me in a hospital bed. 

I hope you're there to remind everyone of what a brat I was. I hope you remember the times we played volleyball together and all the years we spent in the woods. All the times I cried ugly tears and smiled insincere smiles. The times I told you, I Love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, and with that, goodbye Iwa-Chan.

Yours (and only yours) truly,

Oikawa Tooru

P.S. I saw the ring months ago, when I was waiting for you to get out of the shower. Just so you know, I would have said yes.

Iwaizumi set the letter down carefully and held Oikawa as close as possible. 

"I'm so sorry for letting you go, I was so insecure and I thought it was only a matter of time before you'd leave me. I guess we aren't too different after all, shittykawa. I really wish you had told me what was happening, instead of telling me to forget you. I will always remember. Every part of you is ingrained in me. I love you." Iwaizumi had never been good with words so he stopped soon after before dismissing any sense of formality and climbing onto the bed with Oikawa. Resting his head on top of Oikawa's and before closing his eyes.

He pretended that it was just the two of them and everything was right in the world. That Oikawa's wish had come true and that this was just a small part of their life's together. He pretended that the long beep from the monitor wasn't a still heartbeat, and was instead, the noise of someone’s' annoying ringtone. He pretended that when the doctors rushed in and pulled him away yelling, he'd see Oikawa with that annoying smile and peace sign tomorrow.

***

"Look, Look! The fireworks are starting, Iwa-Chan," Oikawa announced. Grabbing at Iwaizumi's hand and using the other one to direct it to the explosions in the sky. A smile was wide on his face, as he rested his head on Iwaizumi's lap and the rest of his body laid comfortably on the ground and watched the sky with clear wonder dancing in his eyes.

Iwaizumi only let out a 'hmm' in response. From where they stood on a perch of a hill that had an indescribable view of the bright city where they now were releasing fireworks in a rare case of unseasonable celebration. 

As high up as they were, it was easy to make out the colorful whirls and spirals that lit up the night. Some shatter in thousands of sparks and others glitter and trickle down. All of them are colorful and loud, but they're still not enough to keep his full attention.

Most of Iwaizumi's attention is directed to the brown eyed boy. The way the light seemed to reflect and flutter on his face and the way his mouth opened slightly as he meant to say something but is quickly distracted and the words are forgotten. His hair is rumpled amongst his lap and his eyes seem so alive and captivating. It isn't till their eyes lock that he realizes he was staring.

"You're not even paying attention, "Oikawa whined. " It's not every day that the city decides to shoot up some fireworks, the least you can do is pay attention. Isn't it pretty."

"Not as pretty as you," Iwaizumi remarked, not really thinking about his words until they escaped his mouth. They both stare at each other and his face heated up and suddenly the fireworks were a lot more interesting than they had previously been, as he directed his gaze away from a gloating Oikawa.

"Oh, Iwa-Chan! You sure know how to make me blush. Who knew you were such a closeted Casanova, I bet you practice pick-up lines in the mirror when no one's home," Oikawa beams. His giddy face, did not falter in the slightest when a smack was delivered to his noggin. 

"I must have consumed some of your bath salts on accident, because there's no way I would have said that otherwise shittykawa." Iwaizumi grumbled out, a faint glow still on his cheeks and a smile threateningly tugged on his lips.

There was a short moment of a blissful gap in silence and both faces were gazing earnestly at each other. Both caught up in the moment and the lights and sounds echoed in the sky, setting up the scene for passion, perfectly. Iwaizumi began to lean over and Oikawa leaned up and when they were a breath away, Iwaizumi made the final move to close the gap an-

"Whoa, Iwa-Chan! I just had a thought, what if the aliens can see the fireworks? " Screeched Oikawa. His entire boy jerking up and effectively headbutting Iwaizumi and killing the mood altogether.

"What the hell, dumb ass!" Iwaizumi barked out and rubbed his head in irritation. Couldn't this idiot read the mood? He could have sworn that Oikawa was as into the mood as he was, what the hell had made him change the mood so suddenly?

His eyes wandered to where Oikawa stood looking at him abashed and his eyes a bit sad. His usual awful personality had been stored away for a minute and hajime could have sworn that he looked exceedingly fragile.

"Hey, do you think a wish might come true if I wished it on fireworks, or are they too quick and passing?" He asked with his voice low and his head down and away from the display still going on in the sky. "It's getting a little bit harder to keep wishing, Iwa-Chan and my dream keeps escaping father and father away."

Iwaizumi continues to watch Oikawa carefully. There's something he's not telling him and he knows better than to push Oikawa when he's not ready. It'll only make him more closed up. So instead, he walks closer to him and wraps his arms around him firmly and holds him as best he can. 

"You could always wish on me," he whispers. 

Oikawa makes a strange noise and before they both know what was happening they're kissing. Lips pressed together hastily and arms are wrapped around one another like a vice. The power and speed of the kiss alternates and changes and they're both enveloped in each other so thoroughly they don't mind when one of them loses their balance and they go tumbling to the ground. They break apart only to stare at each other and their breaths filled the air.

"I love you," Oikawa tells him. His smile lazy, but sincere and its only seconds before their lips go clashing against each other again. 

'Me too,' Iwaizumi thought in the private space of his mind, as he told Oikawa through every kiss and touch. The fireworks were long forgotten as they stayed entangled through the night.

***

It was a day before the funeral and Iwaizumi found himself on the mountain him and Oikawa had been on quite some time ago. He was standing on the edge and was completely lost in thought. He wasn't sure how he got here but this was where his legs took him and he felt no desire to leave.

The sky was sunny and flowers were in bloom and spring had taken over for the harsh times of winter. Iwaizumi was thankful for the warmth and the beauty. He hadn't been outside since he had left the hospital and made his way home. 

He had received a call from Oikawa's tearful mother so she could confirm what he already knew. Oikawa had died. His mother had later come and told him things that had remained a secret for the longest of times. 

She had told him that Oikawa had been diagnosed with a fatal disease when he was young. He was told that he had only five years left to live a week after his eighth birthday. They were very surprised that he lived long as he did. When he had first been diagnosed he had reacted horribly. He would isolate himself from others and avoid everybody. Oikawa had been thrown out of the house the day they met in the forest, by his mother. She had hoped some fresh air would do him some good, instead of his usual wallowing. 

She claims that it was after Oikawa had met him that he became alive. She had been shocked, because then he had suddenly began plotting ways to see him again. How he had started playing volleyball after noticing Iwaizumi's interest. Going outside constantly to play with him and he was smiling all the time. 

She deemed that the reason Oikawa had lived so long was because Oikawa had wanted to be with him for long as possible and she thanked him so much for loving her baby as much as she did. 

Iwaizumi had held her close as they both cried. They weren't the only ones affected by Oikawa's death but they both sought comfort from the other. They both had loved Oikawa unconditionally. 

Now Iwaizumi couldn't help and wonder why Oikawa hadn't told him that he was meant to die. He wouldn't have left him no matter what but he decided it didn't matter. It wouldn't change the moments they had together if he had known.

He understood that the reason Oikawa had left him early in the end was because he could tell that he couldn't escape his early predestined death and wished to save him as much grief as possible. It was foolish, but he had accepted it.

Yet, now there was something tugging harshly at his brain now that Oikawa was gone. Something in his letter. Oikawa had wished that he could be with him forever. 

That could still happen, couldn't it? Oikawa was still just a few paces ahead of him and he knew what he could do to close the gap forever. All he had to do was to jump from where he stood from the hill.

The death would most likely be instantaneous and the pain wouldn't last long. Even if the death didn't happen right away he knew that whatever physical pain was, it couldn't be worst then what he was feeling right now. Right now, his body was a tsunami of emotions as he was full of grief and his eyes drooped red and puffy from the hours they spent pouring out tears until they ran dry. His head hurt and his heart was cracked. His hands had a hard time being still as they shook and his eyes locked with the ground hundreds of feet below him.

They could be together, forever, in the afterlife. Hadn't he told Oikawa that he could wish on him? He could make Oikawa's wish come true, and all he had to do was take a step forward.

All of Iwaizumi's heartbreak, regret, self-loathing, sadness and drowning emotion could be ended. He would no longer find himself crying over the smallest things with an aching heart, nevermore wake in the middle of the night to cry for his lost lover and never again face the world without a hand to hold, to give him strength. This way his face would no longer burn due to excessive tears that had begun to burn like acid. He could escape the despair and pity filled gazes. He could finally stop hating himself for what should've been done and what could've been done. With this choice, he could love again as well as live again. Oikawa was his heartbeat after all. 

He braced himself and closed his eyes. Only to have someone take his hand.

He opens his eyes and he sees Oikawa. He's smiling and is telling him about his day. He tells him about how volleyball is going and he dramatically complains about the lack of respect young people seem to have today. With each word, he's guiding Hajime backwards. He keeps talking and smiling and Iwaizumi keeps staring in awe as they both take steps back before they're far away from the edge of the hill. 

It isn't till later the he realized that Oikawa wasn’t there. He doesn't mind but he was glad to have seen him nonetheless. As soon as Iwaizumi was safe, Oikawa had disappeared with a smile and Iwaizumi had plopped himself on the ground. 

He felt a new sense of peace wash over himself and he repeatedly, muttered thanks to Oikawa and tears that he had thought to had ran out of conjured back up again, and he bawled.

How stupid. He had almost recklessly wasted his life, far before he was meant to. He should have known that Oikawa didn't want that of Iwaizumi. He would have wanted him to live. He had also promised Oikawa that he'd remember him and tell others all about who he had been. Iwaizumi needed to be there so he could remind everyone about what a gigantic dork he was and who he was behind closed doors. He needed to be there to tell everyone what it was like to have been so in love with Oikawa and have him return every bit of it.

Iwaizumi needed to stay here, even if Oikawa couldn't.

So when he saw the first robin in spring, he made sure to make a wish before it flew away. 

"I wish that I'll never forget a thing about who Oikawa Tooru was."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading ! I almost cried while writing this and I toyed with so many endings in my mind but this one was my favorite .
> 
> I love you and any feedback will be appreciated !
> 
> Smooches :*


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